Daddy left us on February 8th 2014. Twenty-two years earlier, his older
brother (Uncle Gilbert), left us on February 8th, 1992. It’s strange how the eighth day has effected my family and continues to
change me. Some days are torture. Most days are hard. Other days I’m ok. Then the 8th day of the month
rolls back around and I am right back where I was in February. It happens to Moma too, I see it every
month.
July 8th, 2014 is their 53rd
wedding anniversary and 5 months since he’s been gone. In our eyes it’s still their anniversary
because if Daddy were here they would still be married. He loved her with a love that you pray your
kids will have when they get married. Of
coarse they had their ups and downs, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how they loved through the
years and all the way to the end. I will
take Moma out to celebrate Tuesday because I know Daddy wouldn’t let the day pass without
showing her how much he loved her.
He came to visit me in a dream for the first time a
few weeks back. Before I went to sleep I
prayed for God to tell Daddy how much I love and miss him. In my
dream we were in a kitchen and Moma was washing dishes, they were smiling at
each other. I was wrapped around him
crying. He kept saying “stop crying
Baby, I can’t stay long, please stop crying”.
No matter what I couldn’t stop
crying. I even smelled his Old Spice. I’ve
never had a dream more real in my life. Although I’ve never had a panic attack, when I
woke up I felt sure that’s what was happening to me. Then I
was angry with myself for not being able to talk to him. I want a do-over.
I’ve
also asked God to let Daddy send me messages.
Early on the morning of my birthday I walked outside to let Presley out
of her pen. The sun was just beginning
to shine through the trees and it made a beautiful cross on the pine tree
behind our house. I stood there for a
second staring because I couldn’t believe my eyes, then I took off running to get
my phone. When I got back outside to
take a picture, it had changed into a heart.
A perfectly shaped sun-lit heart right where the cross was. My birthday present from God & Daddy was
the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received.
I got a picture of the heart… but I took it with the phone I dropped in
the pond (on Father’s Day). Ben is my
witness though, I think he’s the only one who scrolled through my pictures one
day and saw it. I've realized if we truly “open” our eyes to
God’s goodness and beauty, He will show us amazing things especially when we need them. “As for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I
wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me”
“….He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness”. Micah 7:7 & 9
Also, on the phone I lost were all of Daddy’s voice
mails. He’d say “Hey Baby, this is
Daddy, call me, I love you”. He always started with “Hey Baby” oh how I
miss his voice. I didn’t write all this
for sympathy. Recently I read an article
about grief and it suggested to write everything down. It said what I am experiencing is
normal. The most frustrating part for me
though, is not being able to control my tears.
And because of that, I’ve withdrawn and felt isolated. I’ve been so impatient with crying, but it’s
only because I’ve been made to feel like I should already “be over it”. Or as someone said (about one of my kids), “you
can only use ‘my Grandpa died’ as an excuse so many times”. The article said there would be people like
that. People who have no clue what we
are going through. But the important
thing is to learn from this experience and use it to help others when they go
through the loss of a loved one. I do
not ever wish this pain on anyone. But
the fact is we all go through it. So just
be mindful of those who are grieving and understand there’s no timetable on grief. No,
you can’t really do anything to take away their pain, but you can be
considerate and pray for them. If it
seems they’ve “checked-out”, it’s the only way they know how to deal and more
than likely they are trying to protect you from seeing their pain or tears, they are
not neglecting your friendship. Give
them time.
Through the good times and the bad, God promised to
never leave me and He has surely proven this verse. "The LORD himself goes before you and will be
with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be
discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8
I have accepted the fact that I’m not ok, but one
day I will be and I look forward to a time when the “the eighth day” doesn’t hurt
so much. But sometimes I wonder if that
won’t happen until I get to Heaven. If that's the case, His grace is sufficient for me.
"...The master-works of God are those men who stand in the midst of difficulties, stedfast, unmoveable,--
"Calm mid the bewildering cry, Confident of victory."
He who would glorify his God must set his account upon meeting with many trials. No man can be illustrious before the Lord unless his conflicts be many. If then, yours be a much-tried path, rejoice in it, because you will the better show forth the all-sufficient grace of God. As for His failing you, never dream of it--hate the thought. The God who has been sufficient until now, should be trusted to the end." Charles Spurgeon
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